I have a website that I used before Tumblr, and I hesitated to post this, but I need to get all of my feelings out.
People say that every night is darkest before the dawn. Maybe it was my lack of perception or my eyes leading me to deception. But I am stumbling in this everlasting darkness. Almost like I was in a nightmare, and all I can think of is, I am ever waking up? Most teens go to their parents for comfort, to feel safe, to feel loved. My parents lacked in the compassion compartment, and numerous others. Especially my mother. She has no soft spot in her body, every problem I have means that something is immediately wrong with me. That I am such am inconvienience. Their response is to suck it up or run it off. Teens need someone to help them guide them throught their life, not make them feel like their problems are a burden. Without parents, its hard because when your young, friends come in every shade. In high school, you can never trust ‘friends’. Fake is becoming a new trend, and its becoming viral. Last night my friend had put complete trust in me, and I had never felt so scared. I have never had anyone be so open with me before. Not because I’m weird or somethings wrong with me, but because I have never been open with anyone else so the deep conversations never really came up. That night, me and a few of our friends went to the Mariners vs Orioles game. We all had such a great time. A baseball player on the feild gave me one of the game balls personally, and since the game was going to be such a blow out there weren’t many people that attended so we got to sit practically where ever we wanted. On the way home, the entire 1-2 hour drive David hadn’t said one word the entire time. I knew something was wrong so I insisted on him telling me. He looked at me and said practically told me not to worry about it. Which oddly makes me worry more. All he did was ignore me, my blood started to boil. Abruptibly got out of the car and headed for Yeungs car because he was going towards Ferndale too, and I needed a break from David. It was about one in the morning and Yeung, Lilli and I started heading home. As usual, Yeung was going 5-10 mph over the speed limit, not knowing it was a construction zone, and I hear Lilli say ‘Slow down, cops.’ Next thing we knew, flashing blue and red lights were flashing from behind, consuming us. I heard my phone start to go off on my lap. David had called me 10 minutes later saying to meet up at the mall. Saying we’d needed to talk. For not being in a relationship with him, it sure as hell felt like it. After the cop gave Yeung the ticket and sped off, Yeung drove down to the mall. As we met up again, without saying a word to each other, threw my bags in his car and slammed the door. We sat in complete silence again. Sitting there, hoping he would say something to break the tension. I glance out of the corner of my eye and caught a glimpse of the side of his face. His eyes were red, face was puffy and tears were slowley rolling down his pale face. The corner of his lip was tense, trying not to completely break down and cry. Suddenly, our eyes had met, and through the spiritless beat down face, he managed to speak.
He choked out the words, ‘I’m sorry.’ I didn’t reply.
As the silence grew along with the night, he began to reach aggressively in his pocket, struggling to pull out an object from his shorts. Becoming frusterated, he finally pulled out an a small object. It was to dark to make out the object. With the object in his hand he reaches his arm towards me, and drops it in my lap. I glance down, pick it up towards my face so I can figure out what it is. In my hand, I heald a pocket knife with a pretty decent side blade. I was as confused as Kristen Stewart’s acting on Twilight. I didn’t know what the hell either one of them where doing. Our eyes meet once again.
He spoke once again, ‘Hold on to this for me tonight, I don’t know what I would do with it tonight if Ihad it.’
This was the first time anyone of my friends had ever been suicidal and committed to it. He went on telling me how that night was suppose to be his last night on this Earth and right then I had realized I had saved his life. All I did was show I had cared about him and I wanted him to open up to me, because even if I didn’t like him like a boyfriend, he was still a friend I have cared about for 5 years. I would completely be torn apart if anything happened to him. Receiving this information I was clenched tight in a trance. My limbs began to go numb, starting from my feet, slowly up to my thighs, up my back, wrapping around my arms and completely covering my chest. I sat there watching the road come towards me as we drove. I felt nothing. My heart skipped a beat, then began to pick up pace and once again I was useless. I used as many cliche quotes about not giving up as I could come up with and right there I realized I was a bumbling, graceless, imcompetent dumbass. I had no idea how I could possibly handle a situation like that. What was the right approach? Do I get help? All I could think of doing was a tuck and roll out of the car door. I gave him comfort, let him vent, and informed him I was always here for him. He said he hasnt opened up to anyone in 2 years. Living in a house with parents and a brother and he has been alone all this time? If someone could actually have the courage to kill themselves with their barehands that just shows how unbearable his life is. He taught me a very important lesson.
Be nice to everyone, because everyone is fighting an unrelenting and impentetrable battle.
Everybody is broken. Everybody has baggage including me. Life is uncertain so promote love instead of bashing what you hate, but apparently that is to hard for everyone. And everyone struggles to survinve: physically, spiritually, and mentally. I need to tell someone before he gets hurt but that would completely betray his trust. He promised he’d change but is it something I should believe? I continue to keep in constant contact with him, making sure he is safe and is at least getting better. We are going to another Mariner’s game with friends tomorrow and if it doesn’t get any better I’m going to have to do something more affective whether he hates me or not. Giving the fact I’m the only person that knows, I’m not letting his coffin rest on my concience. He has to much to offer and I will show him that one way or another.